That Magician’s Finale Tho!

Okay, who watched The Magicians Finale?

If you haven’t, stop reading.


Okay, with one of the most bizarre season finales I have ever watched, I finished season 1 of The Magicians. The word of the day must have been ‘semen’.

So Q and Julia find a way to travel back in time in order to find Jane Chatwin and make it through the TARDIS-y looking telephone box door which leads to Fillory. Hopefully in time to figure out a way to get back to the others and kill The Beast. NBD. (I appreciated the Doctor Who shout-out here, too.) We learn that Fillory has two gods; Ember and Umber. Also, the air is full of drugs!!! Q and Julia find the rest of the gang via Eliot’s amazing paper airplane. God, I wish I could make a magical, friend-finding, snarky paper airplane.



Ember, an overweight, gross, ram-man-who-is-a-god has been imprisoned. Time travel is involved in this episode, which is pretty cool and also a little complicated. We all know about Jane Chatwin’s time loop. Julia should have been at Fillory with the rest of the school, but was removed this time to try and get a jump on The Beast. Jane needed Julia to learn magic by herself. Unfortunately, The Beast killed Jane who was the person running the loop. It’s really confusing if you haven’t watched and I’m ruining the shit out of it for you. Oh well.

This means that this is the LAST CHANCE we have to kill this Beast dick. The pressure is crazy.

Breakdown –

Quentin & Julia – Entered the telephone booth in the past, which drops them into Fillory during the same time. They had to. It was complicated. In order to kill The Beast they need a special blade made of moonstone, so they go to find it. On the way they run into a creepy character from the books, The Watcherwoman, who turns out to be Jane. Obviously this is sort of awkward since Quentin has to explain to Jane why he is here 50+ years early and tell her that she won’t live past this loop. Julia is too happy to be pissed off (she’s still high from receiving her blessing from the god she summoned). Jane notices this and warns Q to leave Julia’s wards alone.

Meanwhile –

Penny, Eliot, Margo, Alice, and Josh – We find these guys sitting around a bar in Fillory waiting for Quentin to return. Eliot is feeling sorry for himself and drinking. Remember that time Eliot got everyone kicked out of library? The rest aren’t happy to see Julia, because of that time she tried to kill Q. Eliot is good and drunk and also having shots with a bulldog in a sweater. Good times.

Now, the group is back together, they go to get the moon blade. Turns out payment is that one of the gang must marry this weapon-maker’s daughter. Q and the gang are the official/unofficial heads of Fillory… one of the group is The High King. This is who the weapon-maker wants his daughter wed to.

Of course it isn’t Quentin. It’s Eliot.

Go ahead. Make your High King jokes…


Once Eliot says his vows he can never, ever break them. This means no cheating. No leaving Fillory. He’s bound to his kingdom. A marriage occurs. 

Penny has better things to do, like find the girl who will not stop screaming at him all the time.

The weapon is given to the group, but no one can touch it. Only a Master Magician can use it. Looks like there are none of these around… but wait! There are gods!!!!

And so, we find ourselves again with Quentin and Julia who are looking for Ember. Ember wants little cakes, but they have none to offer. Instead they offer him his freedom. Ember tells us a pretty terrible story involving the ruination of Fillory and the death of Umber. Okay, he agrees for his freedom, and then proceeds to hand his life force to Quentin. Guess what the life-force of a god is?

His semen.

Guess how you get the life force from a god into a human?

That’s right…


Good, old Ember gives Q a large jar and sends them on the way, but not before looking at Julia and removing the block on her brain.

Seems like locking Ember up was not a terrible idea.

Penny finds Victoria and saves her just in time to ditch the group with Josh. Dicks.

Here is when we find out what happened when Julia and her hedge-friends summoned the god previously. Turns out the god was really Reynard the Fox who was only pretending to be caring. Reynard then viciously murders everyone but Julia and Kady. Julia does the cool thing and diverts his attention from Kady. Kady bounces. Reynard the Fox then rapes Julia. It’s horrific and sad. You can’t help but feel a little angry with Jane Chatwin for leaving Julia all alone outside Fillory to fend for herself…You also feel like Kady is a bitch who should die. After Reynard leaves, Julia calls Marina for help. Marina helps clean up the mess of the bodies and blood and wipes Julia’s memory.

She couldn’t unring the bell, though, proven when Ember unknowingly removes her protection.

Quentin, in a moment of desperation (mingled with genius – which looks astonishingly like maturity), decides Alice is actually “The One.”  (Best Magician for the job of killing The Beast.)

He doesn’t finish the sentence with “who drinks this big bucket o’semen”.  

Alice agrees. Gross things happen with the jar and her mouth.

Margo makes her second amazing quip of the night when she asks Alice if she bogarted the entire jar.

Alice’s eyes go creepy green. It’s time to kill this mothy bastard.

Julia goes along, quietly. She tells Quentin she will be okay. For the 40th time (Remember – Time loop!), Quentin, Penny, Julia, Alice, Margot, and Eliot face The Beast. A major mistake has been made.

Earlier we learned that Martin Chatwin was actually The Beast. Our group thinks they can pull Martin back from the evil inside him. Ember told Quentin & Julia that Martin had been drinking daily from the most magical filled place ever… So, he’s not human anymore.

Nothing goes well. The Beast laughs, he doesn’t care. He remembers all 39 previous attempts. He cuts Alice’s throat, then slices Penny’s hands (NOOOO!), and injures everyone else. Before he can kill Quentin, Julia steps up with the knife against his throat. How could she do that, you may be asking. (I did)

Rape. Semen. Reynard the Fox. Julia has taken on the life force of a god and is also a Master Magician. Before anyone else can be killed she demands The Beast bargain with her. Nobody saw that coming. Maybe Jane Chatwin did save the gang?


We find out next season.


Best episode of the season. Excited for season 2.


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