Game of Thrones: Season 5 Premiere Decoded!

HTFG’s First Ever Guest Blog by Lord Bolton

At last, Game of Thrones season 5 is here! The action-packed season premiere, “The Wars to Come” aired on Sunday night – filled with all of the sword-sharpening, dry-heaving male nudity that we’ve come to expect from our favorite fantasy series.

After a careful analysis of the episode, there are a number of unspoken but clearly foreboding hints that give us a look into what the future holds for season 5. Here is what the premiere tells us about what is to come:

[Caution! The below contains spoilers for season 5, and may inadvertently blow your mind.  (Unless you read the book, in which case you’re probably not reading this because it isn’t on actual paper.)]

1. War is Coming

As the title of the episode suggests, there will probably be a war, of some sort, or several, or at least one will come in the near future, or maybe a bit later. It’s not very specific. Or maybe since winter is taking so damn long to come, we all got tired of saying “Winter is Coming” and will just start to say “War is Coming”, because war is a hell of a lot more interesting than winter. In any case, it’s pretty safe to say there is going to be at least one war, and it is to come.

2. Cersei’s Future.

In the opening sequence, a young Cersei Lannister visits a witch, who reveals a shocking truth about Cersei: She’s not very nice. No, really. When the witch initially refuses to give Cersei a reading she threatens to have her eyes gouged out… wow. I mean, we all knew she came from money and would probably have some sense of entitlement as a result, but I never thought she would have been such a spoiled brat.

And it didn’t end there. Throughout the episode, Cersei was surprisingly uncaring and even rude at times. At her own father’s funeral, she was generally dismissive of everybody – the guests, her betrothed, even her brother who tried to cheer her up with his funny eye-stones prank. What an ungrateful jerk!  (I for one, thought his eye-stones gag was just as hilarious as it was at Jeffrey’s funeral.)


They don’t call him Kingslayer for nothing.

I’m going out on a limb, but I think all of this points to one very likely conclusion (and don’t hate me for this). This season Cersei will become a giant assbag.

3. A surprise at Castle Black

The Night’s Watch has successfully defended the Wall from the wildling horde, and Mance Rayder now sits captive at Castle Black. While Jon Snow is training Olly to fight, we see a familiar face looking on.

H-H-H-H-Hot Pie?

WTF?  Hot Pie?

When did Hot Pie join the Night’s Watch? Killing a White Walker? Baby mama?Like you, I was stunned to see Mr. Pie donning the black. How did this happen? Will crow-shaped bread turn the tide of the war?

Clearly not enough time has passed for all of this to have happened to ol’ Crusty, so there is only one explanation: time travel. Yes, Hot Pie has arrived at Castle Black from 9+ months in the future (where winter, unfortunately, has still not yet come) to forge bread weaponry which can kill Thenns and White Walkers with sheer awkwardness. Or at least that’s what makes the most sense. Don’t listen to me.

4. Leaving us hanging

What does not make sense is that, with the fate of her rule in the balance, Daenerys isn’t even asking the important questions. Instead, Missandei is the one trying to find the answers. She approaches Grey Worm in the barracks and poses her question – “Why would an Unsullied visit a brothel?”

Come on, girl. We’re all on the edge of our seats wondering if Grey Worm still has the goods, and that’s all you’ve got? Look, I get it. It’s a delicate topic. I don’t expect you to follow the Melisandre playbook:

Oh, well, uh, I...

But I mean, you could at least drop a hint.The whole “pillar and the stones” thing seemed pretty subtle. Or, since it looks like most people in Mereen bathe outdoors, and there are, oh, I don’t know – eight-thousand Unsullied that may be bathing at some point in time in the city, it might be a little easier to find out than you think – I don’t know, do something! It’s driving me nuts!

If it were me, (oh, if it were only) I’d just take it to the 6th grade:


 Bolton, out.


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